Horatio's Hummer
by wyntersun
Summary: A day in Horatio Caine's... Hummer? If Horatio's Hummer could talk, it would be one hell of a joy ride! HC shippiness ahead!


Disclaimer: (My fingers are already sore because of this.) *sigh* These characters do not belong to me, and so does the Miami DADE Hummer… (Though, I wish I owned one!) The POV's of these characters and the plot (I think it's a plot) are originally mine…

Summary: A day in Horatio Caine's… Hummer? If Horatio's car could talk, it would be one hell of a joy ride! Slight H/C… Hagen fans, I ask for your forgiveness!!! Too much Hagen bashing… You have been warned.

Brief Explanation for this: This is not my first CSI Miami fanfic… This is actually my fifth… The problem is, I can't find the diskettes where I saved them! (My room is not exactly as well kept like Horatio's. It's more of the Grissom or Mulder type of office) So, in fanfiction.net's database, this would be my first… that's why this fic is not at it's best… It' also has not reached a beta readers hands… So, pardon for the wrong isfellings and grammers.

Horatio's Hummer:_ Starbucks, Parking Lots and Unwanted Pick-Ups_

Ever since Lieutenant Horatio Caine opened my doors and drove to every crime scene Miami has laid for his team, I've seen it all. The most gruesome crime scenes, the most brutal killings…

And the hottest convertibles this side of the sun! Hubba hubba! She had the glossiest leather, the coolest wheels, and the hottest chick driving it!

But alas, before I can even give a honk to the beauty, Horatio drove on… Where was the red light when you needed it? 

"So H, where are we driving to?" Eric Delko asked. I really wanted to yell out, "To a crime scene Eric, duh …" I just wanted to give a brake and let his head bump into one of my seats. "We are going to get ourselves some drinks… Starbucks anyone?" Horatio asked. Whoops… Sorry, I didn't know…

"You know H, it's really rare that you treat us… And we are talking about Starbucks here… You alright H?" Tim Speedle asked. "I got a backup thermometer here Speed, wanna check if he's got a fever?" Eric joked. The two CSI's laughed. "I got it! It's Calleigh! It's Calleigh! Am I right Horatio?" Eric spied at Horatio and checked if there were red marks on his face. In other words… He checked if Horatio was blushing.

"No it's not Calleigh…" Horatio said firmly. Yeah right. Horatio, take my word of advice, and get some tan! If you wanna hide your blushing… Eric let out a snort, while Speed let it out, "I know me and Eric here are mature, err _grown ups_ here, but let me say this… ' Horatio and Calleigh sitting in a tree…'" Eric suddenly joined in. "K-I-S-S…"

"Alright… We are here…" Horatio said as to stop them from completing the rhyme. 

I-N-G… Eric, Speed, for teasing Horatio for me… These are for you….

  
  
  
  


Oh great… The line's loooonnnggg… This is gonna be one hell of a day… 

Wait, I take that back. The lovely convertible has arrived!

"Hey there sweet thing…" I purred. She just threw me a nasty look and said, "Hummers… Hmph!" Whoa tiger, wrong first impression… Gotta change that… "Why? Hate us hummers? I just hope you make an exception…"

"And why would I do that?" she asked. "I'm different from those hummers you see driving like they are kings of the road… I am… A Miami DADE Hummer… I'm used especially for Crime Scene Investigations… If you know what I mean?" 

And I'll tell you, it suddenly had her mirrors on me. "Really?" I was taken aback! She won't believe me!

And I just said, "Honey, do these stickers lie?" The sunlight really helped a lot, as she saw the Miami DADE PD emblem and the words "Crime Scene Investigation" written on me. I'm telling you know, I am one hot car!

"Oh… And where in Miami would you go, hottie?" Gee… For a hot car, it had the lamest words! 

But who cares? This chick is smokin'!

"Here, there, everywhere in Miami… Everything that's pretty much a crime scene…" I couldn't help but add, "With my partner, _the_ Lieutenant Horatio Caine…"

The babe let out another "Ohhh…" Which for me, made me melt… I'm telling you, this is one hot chick… Wait till Eric's bike (Motorbike, mind you) and Tim's pick up here about this! 

"So where do you, hang out?" I asked. Who knows? Horatio drives in every street, avenue, and alleyway in Miami, and she might be there! "Oh, uh… She's into clubs, you know…" she shyly replied "Nightclubs? No problem! Me and Horatio go there to…" I saw that "_YOU_-go-there?" look on her make and so I quickly added, "To investigate some people… To, uh, do some investigating…" She let out one of those seductive "Ohhs" that I was starting to like…

"The benefits of being the Lieutenant, right Horatio?" Eric asked as he carried three cups of coffee. Speedle laughed and said, "Just show that shiny badge and order… Horatio has some _amazing_ powers in his hands…" Horatio let out a smile, and opened me. No! No! Horatio not now!

Eric and Speed got in… Gotta start playing dead, gotta start playing dead!

But it was no use. Horatio started me up, so I said quickly, "Ok honey gotta go! Call me! Beep Me!"

And Horatio Caine drove of to the Miami DADE PD Crime Lab… Will I ever see her again?

  
  
  
  


"Eric, help me out here, will you?" Horatio yelled out as Eric stepped down. As a sign of protest, I was doing my field of expertise… Playing dead! "What's the matter here H?" Eric asked. "We drove in here, and it was running fine, but now…It won't start again!" 

"Maybe, it got mad at you for driving away from that hot convertible that was parked beside it…" Though Speed let it out as a joke, it was soooo true… I hate you H!

"Just let the guys at maintenance fix it, it'll be an easy job for them…" Eric said as he got Horatio's drinks out of me. That's right people, _drinks_, and I'm sure you now who Horatio is planning to give the other coffee… "The problem is, _they_ don't do those kind of stuff…" Speed told him, matter-of factly. "Oh yeah, smart guy? Then _who_ would be doing these kind of jobs smart guy?" Eric asked. Speed merely stuttered, obviously at lost for a really good comeback. After perhaps seconds of negative results, Speed just said, "Just get that fixed H!" and stormed inside. Eric just looked at Horatio, who was on the verge of laughing (Though Eric can't tell. I can… After all, me and Horatio here share an ionic or covalent bond… Teeheehee)

"H, I'm just a little concerned… You may not get some decent sleep with _two_ cups of coffee!" Eric asked as Horatio looked at the, err, _nuisance_ I have created. "Uh, yeah…" Eric grabbed his cup of coffee and continued on, "Oh yeah… You heard about *gulp* Calleigh's new ride?" Oh yeah, Horatio's all ears in this one… Trust me.

"Nope…"

"Want the details?" 

And Horatio shrugged. Pity these guys just don't get to see the rare Horatio fashion… Which goes like, "Give me the complete details Eric…". Of course, this only happens when it's about Calleigh Duquesne!

"Well, Callie's old car had its wheels, it's steering wheel, and it's mirrors taken off. Feeling bad about the situation, Hagen _actually bought her_ a new one…"

Horatio let out a small grunt, unheard by Eric of course. But for me, it just meant that entering Hagen in this conversation, made him feel uneasy… And personally, Hagen, (no offense to Hagen's car) is soooo prone to big headiness. A compliment from Calleigh, makes him feel like he's waaay above the scoreboard in Calleigh's heart! It's like, Horatio 1; Hagen; 1 000 000!!! The nerve of that idiot… Makes me wanna blow up! (Though, I don't like to! I've gotta see the hot convertible again!)

Well, anyway, Eric continued on. "Calleigh thanked him of course, but she's a bit nervous to drive her pick-up… It's different from her car… He's a _really_ huge idiot! Why didn't he ask her first!" Horatio just let out a smile. Translated, he's agreeing with Eric 100 percent! "Calliegh wants to build up her confidence that she suddenly lost. If you ask me, Hagen's the one who took it away… Back to Callie… She wants someone to teach her to drive her pick-up! Can't do it of course… I only drive Beetles… Hehehe… Say H… Why don't you teach her?" 

Horatio let out another small chuckle. Ohh… He likes the idea! HE LIKES THE IDEA!!! "That's right H… You drive this baby here… Just teach her a thing or two… She'll _looovvveee_ it!" Eric laughed. Horatio, though focused at my engine, was starting to turn red. Eric, just talk about Calleigh more, and Horatio's face is gonna be redder than his hair!

: And as if right on schedule, Alexx's pick-up came in. It parked just beside me, and said a little "Good morning…" Alexx stepped out and said, "Good morning boys… Have a problem?" Like driver, like vehicle, I always say. "The almighty Hummer passsed away, a few minutes ago… You're the ME Alexx, cause of death?" 

"Apparently, overuse… It tasted too much of the Miami roads…"

"Ha, ha, ha…" Horatio said these with pure sarcasm on top. 

"Maybe Alexx's right Handsome…"

Oh yeah… Ok guys, make way, make way! Miami DADE PD's resident lion tamer has arrived…. Meow… 

"Hi Calleigh…" Horatio greeted her warmly, but I think he was turned on… That "Handsome" line gets him everytime. "Horatio, just get that thing to the mechanics okay?" Calleigh smiled at him, then gave him a small pat on the back… 

And I could've sworn Horatio gave out a sigh, which I would love to call, "Calleigh-Touched-Horatio-And-He-Really-Likes-It" sigh… Oh yeah… Horatio's Damsel in Distress (though not all the time, mind you) just walked in, gave him a small, simple touch, called him "Handsome"… Oh yes people, the Lieutenant's day is near perfection…

  
  


"Hagen at three-o-clock…" Alexx's pick up warned. Oh great… Supreme Big Head is here… Horatio's almost perfect day suddenly had a rise on dark skies, rain showers, and lightning between the two guys seen ahead!

Hagen parked on my right side, and made a "grand" entrance. Ewww…

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen…" Hagen started. "And especially to the lovely Calleigh Duquesne…" He reached out to her hand and gave it a small kiss. As much as I wanted to yell out, "BACK OFF! YOU'RE TRESSPASSING ON HORATO'S PROPERTY!!!", I couldn't. I couldn't even get to "accidentally" open my doors and hit his nuts, I can't because I'm an "inanimate object made of millions of millions of molecules combined together to give Horatio a joy ride". (Quote from Timothy Speedle, given to Horatio while on the chase of an idiot who escaped from prison. They caught him, and I caught a lot of scratches, which cost me a date! Never mind that… Calleigh thought Horatio was a hero anyway… And Hagen? A total looser! Bwahaha! Well, at _least_ I think she thought Hagen was a loser.)

"Good morning John…" Calleigh gave his morning routine back. Though Horatio stared at me, I can tell, he is really annoyed with Hagen. 

Note to self; Next time, choose a more suitable place, time and reason to play dead.

"What happened here Horatio? The Hummer disagreed with you?" Hagen asked and let out a small laugh. Hagen, I would like you to know that I agree with Horatio just fine… Unlike your car there, who would like to get compacted, rather than your butt seated on its leather.

"I heard that H…" Hagen's car said. "Hey man, I'm sorry… You know me… I don't go to rational mode when Hagen's there… Flirting with Calleigh… Grrr… I am starting to heat up"

"Hold your horsepower H… Now, just inhale… Exhale… Now you do this repeatedly…" 

Though I hate Hagen, I don't exactly hate his car. It's a Toyota Tercel… Really old… And he can buy Calleigh a pick-up? Get real…

"So, how's the pick-up?" I asked. "Okay… I'm sort of grateful that he didn't replace me… I mean, the moment I saw her…"

"Her?" 

"It's a she H…"

"Okay… Continue…"

"Well, anyway… Come on… I thought She'd replace me… Well, come to think of it, I was kinda hoping… Well, anyway. .. She's not happy about it either… Her name's Reid by the way."

"And she's not happy because?" 

"Well, Calleigh's not driving her around… So, she thought Calleigh's not interested." 

"Calleigh's interested with the pick-up… Not the one who gave her the pick-up…" I concluded. "Well, H… I guess, you're right… But heck, we really can't say… So, how's life?" 

"Tercey… It's the same old… Drive to a crime scene, get loaded with evidence… And meet hot chicks!" I laughed. Alexx and Eric had already gone inside the lab, and Horatio and Calleigh were left all alone…

  
  
  


All alone with Hagen… Yech…

"Hey, H… Wanna lock up Hagen inside?"

"Tercey, what would I do with out you?" 

Hagen got out of his car, with some papers and documents, and Horatio and Calleigh were talking, and I'm wishing they didn't notice Hagen…

"Hey, you guys better get inside… Don't get a sunburn Callie…" Hagen yelled out as he walked to the lab. And I also wish that you would trip on the steps and fall flat on your face… If Calleigh needed protection from the heat of the Miami sun, the only thing needed to do was for Horatio to open one of my doors, let Calleigh in, and turn the air conditioning to the max!

"Thanks John!" Calleigh yelled out. 

Calleigh… Don't thank him! It's gonna make his head big! His scoreboard to go up another notch! It's gonna make him…

  
  
  


"Ouch…" Horatio suddenly said.

Hahaha! It's gonna make him fall flat on the face! 

"I'm telling you H… He's an idiot…" Tercy said. "Hey, don't be like that to him Tercy… I mean… He's your guy…" I'm not this usually, um, sympathetic towards Tercy, but… Heck. I like to make fun of Hagen. And I suppose sarcasm could be included in my list of "The Many Ways I can Make Fun of Hagen"

"So, John bought you a pick-up?" Horatio asked Calleigh as he slammed my hood. Umm, excuse me for a minute… (OOOUUCCHH!!!! NOT THAT HARD H! NOT THAT HARD!!!") Where were we… Uhm… Oh yes… Horatio asking Calleigh about the pick-up Hagen bought… I know it hurts H… You have to let it go… Just talk to the lovely Calleigh Duquesne and everything will be all right… "Yeah…" Calleigh smiled at him as Horatio handed her cup of coffee. "So how come you came in Alexx's pick-up?" Horatio asked. 

"Well, I'm not used to driving big vehicles… I'm comfortable with convertibles, not pick-ups…" Calleigh replied. (There goes the topic of convertibles again… Sniff…) "Want me to help you get used with pick-ups?" Oh yeah… Horatio is boldly making his move! Go H! Go! H!

Calleigh gave him a really, really, cute look and said, "Are you sure my driving lessons won't interfere with the job?" Calleigh, honey… Giving you driving lessons is Horatio's job… Teeheehee… 

Horatio shrugged and said, "No problem Calleigh… I'll let you drive the Hummer… After that, driving your new pick-up would be just fine… Just give me a call when you're ok to go…" Calleigh smiled again at him and said, "Thanks, Handsome…"

"Like I said Callie… No problem… Shall we go in? Hagen might get angry at me if you get sunburned…" 

"I don't mind getting sunburned Horatio…" Oh Calleigh… You are so sweet… Can't you add "As long as you're here with me…" too?

Horatio smiled at her. Their eyes were locked at each other's warmth… A little more H!…

Ok, this calls for drastic measures…

"Horatio! Horatio! He's our man! If Hagen can't do it, Horatio can!"

Renee (The name of Alexx's pick-up) and Tercy snorted. "H, Horatio can never hear you… Not in a million years…" Renee said as she was trying to hide the snort and giggles. "What was that H?" Tercy asked, as he was trying to control his laughter. "_That_ Tercy, is my cheer for Horatio everytime he needs it… H and me share a special bond…"

Well, I was completely embarrassed with that stunt… AND I DIDN'T SEE HORATIO DO ANYTHING!!! This is _not_ by day…

"Shall we go in?" Horatio asked. "Lead the way, Handsome…" Calleigh replied. 

And of they went… Aww… They look so cute together…

"Horatio! Horatio! He's our man! If Hagen can't do it, Horatio can!" Renee laughed as Tercy gave an impression of my cheer…

"Hahaha… Very funny… Ah!!! I forgot!!!"

"CELL!!!" I yelled out. "STANDARD OPERATING PROCEEDURE!"

"GOT IT H!!!" 

Renee and Tercy looked at me weirdly, as I simply replied…

"I gotta look out for my man…"

Finished… For now…

So, there goes… My first fic here in fanfiction.net… I can't believe I actually wrote this really, really weird story. Oh, and after I go to the next chapter, here are a few stuff to help understand the story better.

1) The so called, "gender" of a vehicle depends in the gender of the owner.

2) All non-living objects actually talk. If they have an owner, the characteristic of the owner rubs on the object.

Please review!

Wyntersun_csiMIAMI


End file.
